I was so sure this baby was going to come early. The signs are there, I'm so close. Yet, it just isn't happening. At first we were almost holding our breath, waiting, expecting. Then it got a bit desperate, and every conversation with Stephen started with, "any signs? going into labor?" Now I don't share any signs that may be telling because so far they're not. Alexis isn't ready and no matter how ready we feel, it doesn't matter at all to her. She's oblivious.
I wanted to be induced 2 weeks ago when I felt terrible, my blood sugar was all over and I had no energy. I'm thankful I waited because I'm sleeping and feeling better now. I have energy. Almost as if I'm not pregnant. I feel like myself with the exception of this large protruding belly (I find myself singing Old Smokey in my head some mornings when I remember it's still there).
The problem is I've trained someone else to do my job at work. We have one computer and it's tough to share computers. I ended a lot of my contract work. Since Alexis' birth isn't free and I hate being bored (sometimes it's tough not to be, nothing else seems that important to me right now besides her arrival) I need to go to work.
So I've started to be more scientific and objective. Try to take the emotion out of it. I found stats on pregnancy and childbirth. Then I found due date stats from an engineer and mom who was just as anxious to have her baby as I am. This helped her wait. This pretty much cemented my decision not to be induced (or only if for very good reason). Babies are not much bigger if they go past their due dates. So far Alexis doesn't seem to be in danger of being too big.
I'm trying to prepare Stephen for another 2 weeks or more, just in case. Tomorrow is a checkup and we'll see if there is any progress. Even if there is, I'm not banking on anything. You just don't know. This is one of those mysteries we abide. Sort of like we never know when we'll die. Some people wait for it for years, others just die suddenly. It can happen at any age or time. We can be at the brink and then come back. Thankfully this is only a death certain aspects of my life which I'm happy to give up asap. Mostly it's a new birth, a beginning. We just want it to start soon but I'm not yet ready to do anything but what we're doing now - wait it out.