Wednesday, October 26, 2011

My Dream about My Feelings Being a Mom

We went on our first family vacation together since having little miss join our family. She and I took Delta to Vegas and Stephen met us at the airport and we all drove home together. I've been in tears for no reason the past 2 nights since getting home. Ok, there is a reason. I'm a little lost right now. The I'm in love with my baby stage is wearing off and I'm not sure what's next.

In Vegas there's always action. There are people everywhere, people who adored our little miss. They went nuts over her, she was the star everywhere we went. She slept a lot so I could carry her in the sling and people thought she was a doll (as in, not a real baby). We got room service and ate great food. We were together all day with Stephen. It was relaxing and fun. Then I came back to reality. A quiet house and making my own dinner. A house that needs cleaning and no maid service.

I don't really have any friends to hang out with. It's tough to find meaning or motivation in my days. I just exist. Not getting enough sleep doesn't help either. Welcome to postpartum depression. Or maybe just a hard few days.

The dream I had last night sort of sums it up. My neighbor invited me to go somewhere with her. We went to a friend's house but she wasn't home. Then she showed up with her very small baby boy (unnaturally small). I couldn't figure out how he could eat. But she seemed to think he was normal. Then everyone was gone and I was alone. I finally found them all in a room talking and laughing. There was another room with food. I figured out it was a baby shower. Even though I knew the mom I wasn't invited so I went home feeling a little sorry for myself).

Somehow I found the invitation somewhere and it said to please come and feel free to bring a friend, everyone is invited. So I realized I could've stayed and it would've been OK. It was just a realization. I'm still thinking about what's next.

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